I know the way....

I know the way... I know the way... I once told a friend... when one is walking in the maze its because one trap inside himself in it... he is the creator of the maze...he chooses who the players are in his game of maze... who to listen when he is in the maze... and he is the only one who knows the way out of the maze.... I have created my own maze.... and I know the way... but yet why I keep walking inside this maze? After reading a friend blog, I realise its not a matter of choice:

" ... others told me not to hold on to the past and let it control me. I hate this advice every single time i hear it.

I let you guys know once and for all, for every darn moment of half of my life, I have been trying my darnest best to let go. No one in her sane state would insist and persist in wanting to be miserable. Dont tell me how i should feel and what i should do because I have been trying my very best to do what you suggested because I know how to heal. I am also human and know how to lick my wounds."

I felt the same way as she felt.... but like she said memories cant be wiped out like cleaning out a thumbdrive... I hate myself repeating to friends... coz I know they have no patience for such behaviour I'm behaving now... they find me childish, stubborness to denial happiness. Yet, I long for someone to hold my hand and breath with me. If a person's emotion and brain as what kiat said can wired to other places, what make us human different from a non living computer? If emotion can control... why is it still called emotion?

I know by the end of the day... its not my refusal to move from the same spot that I left myself... rather I'm tired to explain to them and wanting them to understand that I'M TIRED! I'm emotionally and spiritually tired and these tiredness unlike physical which one can just rest and it will automatically gain back... it can't! And, every now and then when there is a need for emotion and when I start using it.. its just drain off that little bit that I have and I'm all back to the same spot crying out loud for help! And, when that happened friends will just reprimary me that I'm still stuck my butt at the same spot... refusing to let go of the pain...

I guess its hard for people to understand each other... so at time like this... I realise that I have no friends or can I say close friends that will understand the inner me, or understand me deep enough to know how I felt... that was another defeat that I realise... after walking 26 years of your life.... what have I achieve? Althought, friends are around you for years... yet none really understand me at all... or have I failed to let them see the real me... and when I did really let them see the inner me - weak, sensitive, emotional- they say I'm just been childish... actually I'm a water baby, anythings around can bring tears- a talk about the death of so-and-so, the old lady sitting there collecting drink cans, a song, even when I'm scolding someone... I am detached from this world, too idealistic, too nauve and too frail to withstand the brute of human nature.
That is the reason why I never catch any war genre movies... I remember once I watched "the Raising Sun" and "Black hawk down", I was crying like mad as each scene cuts and freeze my heart... and I keep asking myself they are human alike... how can they do such a inhuman behaviour to another human being....

I know the way... I know the way out of this maze I trap myself... its to keep quiet and stay in there... even when want to cry out for help.... also have to keep quiet... there is no one there to help you... so keep quiet as I shall stay... no point seeking for someone to understand... as no one will... they will only see you as not letting go of the pain, a foul that forseek happiness... but I know.... I'm moving on with my life... just part of me is left behind... no one will know the difference in me... no one will know that once that was part of me was left behind masked by those smiling face of mine...